“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” —Alexander Pope

 

Ladybug

My family traveled inland a bit to Sebago Lake in the last weeks of summer. It was one of a few outings we made in those days—my husband lifting his head from deep in work and suddenly realizing the summer days were winding down. The sprawling, warmer, more-swimmable waters we found there were different from what we experienced on our typical ocean beach days that had made our summer so salty. There I found myself drifting on a pink princess water float—it was all they had left in the raft shack—with my bigger boy Jonah. He had changed in the summer—filled now with the budding confidence of a soon to be five year old, filled with maturing ideas about the world, with maturing movements and expressions and other ways of being. No matter how I try, I cannot keep him small. Jonah was willing to float on that raft all day long, no matter the purpling of his lips, no matter the slight shiver I noticed in his still slight body every now and then. I was chilly myself but I cherished this time alone with him and reveled in our companionship. Together we noticed a ladybug crawling up his arm. He suggested we make a wish on it before it blew or flew away. I’m not sure if I had imparted this idea of wish-making on ladybugs to him. It certainly sounded like something I might have shared. I made a silent wish for peace and harmony in my life and in my home. Jonah closed his eyes with a little squint and made a wish too. After the ladybug had gone, I asked Jonah what he wished for. He said we couldn’t share it with me or it wouldn’t come true—something else I might have inadvertently imparted. I really wanted to know his wish! I knew his wish of course. And it turns out he knew mine as well. I proposed the idea of guessing each other’s wishes and asked Jonah if we guessed them, would that keep them from coming true? He didn’t think so. “That would be ok,” he said. And so with a little grin between us, I asked him what he thought I wished for. “Peace and harmony,” he replied without skipping a beat. My eyes widened and I laughed with surprise. He grinned ear to ear. “What did I wish for?” he asked. “For chocolate ice cream,” I replied nonchalantly. I had only the slightest doubt in my answer. “Yep!” he said laughing. That memory is golden to me. I see the sun shimmering on the water and on my dear boy’s face. I feel my hair dripping and the freshness of makeup washed away. I notice the contentedness in Jonah, soothed and settled by the rise and fall of the raft for so many hours.

I had just given Adrian—my littler one—a bath. He’s standing in front of me in our long hallway, filled up with a plan for racing, for running from end to end. He isn’t noticing his little, compact body like I am—still with a diaper bump that will last not much longer. He isn’t noticing his round, soft cheeks. His hair is damp. I can almost smell his freshness. I am alone with him and before reading his bedtime books I am being challenged to a race. He guides me to the starting line at my bedroom door and gets his little body crouched into ready position and then in his deepest, loudest voice he shouts, “on or arks, et set, goooo!” Indeed, his call can be heard from neighbors all around, I’m certain. And as we begin running I feel as if I am in slow motion noticing the way he uses his whole body to propel himself forward, noticing the way he hoists his elbows up vigorously behind him. I am just behind him but looking over him as we run, fully taking him in, fully knowing that this exquisite time will pass. The diaper bump will be no longer. The desire to always be with me will fade away.

It must be very difficult if you read my blog and imagine that all of my moments are like these—if you imagine that I am always capable of noticing, of making the right choices. It must be difficult if you imagine that I have it all figured out. I want to assure you that I do not. Our family has struggled in the last few weeks. We’ve been challenged by illnesses and diagnoses, by transitions and logistics, by the very experimental nature of parenting in the way that we are. I have faltered. I have cried. I have made others cry. And the only thing that I have figured out is how to be an attentive witness of myself. Sometimes even as I am deep in this place of witnessing, I see the things that I do that are surely not the right things to do and I do them anyway! I do not despair, though. And neither should you. In my mind, intention goes a very long way and the intent to mother consciously, to mother mindfully is in the very fabric of my being. I trust in the end result of that. I trust in the end result of loving so much it hurts. And so should you, dear mother. So should you. Thinking of you all with love.

 

13 thoughts on ““To err is human; to forgive, divine.” —Alexander Pope

  1. Susa ( Kirschenbaum)

    Beautiful Meghan. Your writing develops and your awareness and compassion for yourself deepen. Thanks for sharing so openly. I hope you are all well. Love you, Susan

    Reply
    1. meghannathanson Post author

      Thank you, Susan. This was not an easy piece to write but I feel committed to sharing truthfully and this is indeed a challenging time! Love you and looking forward to seeing you in November. XOXOX

      Reply
    1. meghannathanson Post author

      Roanna, you are so very sweet. Thank you so much for your words. We miss you and are so happy to see the photos and know that you are well. xoxo

      Reply
  2. Sarah

    I love how you dare greatly by expressing the vulnerabilities that are inherent in being a mother, but oh so hard to share with others.

    Reply
    1. meghannathanson Post author

      Sarah – that is the ultimate compliment. Thank you, dear one. I did feel very vulnerable when I pressed publish! Thank you for your endless, loving support. xoxo

      Reply
    1. meghannathanson Post author

      Thank you dear mummalove for your words. As you well know, sharing our lives with the world through our words can elicit great feelings of vulnerability and a comment like yours can make all the difference. Lots of love, Meghan

      Reply
  3. Alicia (@culinarybliss)

    I’m so sorry to hear of health troubles. They can be all-consuming.
    You are completely correct in your depiction of witnessing. I am working on witnessing myself with as much love and compassion as I direct at my child and others. I know I can always find encouragement on your blog!
    xo

    Reply
    1. meghannathanson Post author

      Dear Alicia,

      I truly appreciate your kind words and thoughts. I am so happy that I titled my facebook page, “A Journey in Mindful Mothering” because it is so clear to me that we don’t one day complete our learning and evolution with our children. It is a practice. It is a process. It is a journey. Thank you for the reminder to witness *myself* with as much compassion as I witness my children! I am so happy to know that you find encouragement through my blog — it is my greatest wish that other mothers may benefit from my words. Lots of love, Meghan

      Reply

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